The Things Boys Learn Not to Say
There is something wonderfully honest about young children and the way they experience the world. They can be delighted by the smallest things, devastated when something doesn't go to plan and completely unashamed of needing reassurance when life feels a little overwhelming. Their emotions are often expressed with a freedom that many adults have spent years learning to contain, and there is something rather lovely about watching a child who hasn't yet decided that certain feelings are acceptable while others should be kept hidden.
But somewhere along the journey from childhood to adulthood, many boys begin to receive messages about which emotions belong to them and which ones they should learn to repress. Sometimes those messages are delivered directly, through familiar phrases about being brave or not crying, while others are communicated more subtly through the reactions of adults, the behaviour of friends or the characters they see represented in books, films and social media.
Over time, those experiences can begin to shape a boy's understanding of what it means to be masculine, particularly when he notices that certain behaviours receive approval while others attract embarrassment or criticism.
Today, as we continue the second week of our November Breaking the Silence series, we're exploring the things boys learn not to say and how childhood expectations surrounding emotion and masculinity can influence the men they eventually become. It's a conversation about mental wellbeing, but also about gender equality, because the expectations we place on boys are closely connected to the wider ideas about gender that feminism has spent generations challenging.
A boy who is encouraged to try again after a disappointment is learning something useful about perseverance. But a boy who repeatedly hears that he shouldn't cry when he's upset may begin to believe that expressing sadness is something he needs to avoid. Those experiences are not necessarily dramatic or memorable in isolation, yet when similar messages are repeated throughout childhood, they can gradually influence which parts of himself he feels comfortable showing to other people.
There is also an important distinction between helping children regulate their emotions and teaching them to suppress those emotions altogether. Learning to manage frustration, disappointment or anger is an essential part of growing up, and children benefit from adults who can help them understand what they're feeling and respond appropriately. But emotional regulation is not the same as pretending an emotion doesn't exist, and boys deserve the same opportunities as girls to develop the language and confidence to express sadness, fear, affection and uncertainty.
This becomes particularly relevant when we consider how boys are sometimes encouraged to respond to conflict. Anger may be treated as a more acceptable expression of distress than sadness or vulnerability, especially when traditional ideas about masculinity associate emotional control with strength. A boy who feels embarrassed, rejected or frightened may find it easier to express frustration than to explain what has upset him, particularly if he has learned that admitting hurt could make him appear “weak”.
Of course, not every boy experiences these expectations in the same way, and many families, schools and communities are already doing wonderful work to encourage emotional awareness and healthy relationships. But the influence of traditional gender roles remains important, particularly when boys receive conflicting messages about what it means to be “strong”.
A child may be encouraged at home to talk about his feelings while discovering that emotional openness is less welcome among certain friendship groups. He may admire a caring and emotionally engaged father or teacher, yet encounter online content suggesting that masculinity depends upon dominance, emotional detachment or the ability to remain unaffected by other people's opinions. Navigating those different expectations can be confusing, especially during adolescence, when belonging and acceptance often become particularly important.
Friendships can play a powerful role in shaping how boys understand themselves, because the desire to fit in can influence what they feel comfortable sharing. Humour, teasing and competition are often part of friendships, and they can create genuine enjoyment and connection. However, when vulnerability becomes something that attracts ridicule, boys may begin to protect themselves by avoiding conversations that could expose their insecurities. This can mean that the way they have learned to communicate leaves fewer opportunities to express certain experiences openly, particularly when they are struggling with something they cannot easily turn into a joke.
The consequences of those expectations can become more apparent as boys grow older and begin navigating increasingly complicated relationships, responsibilities and pressures. A young man who has spent years believing that he should manage difficulties by ignoring them, may find it uncomfortable to ask for support when he experiences anxiety, grief or uncertainty. He may have people around him who care deeply about his wellbeing, yet still struggle to explain what he needs because emotional vulnerability has never felt like something he was encouraged to practise.
And while those experiences can influence mental health, they also shape the way men relate to other people, particularly when emotional communication becomes an unfamiliar or uncomfortable part of relationships. This is where the conversation connects so closely with feminism, because traditional expectations about masculinity have never existed separately from the expectations placed upon women.
For generations, girls have often been encouraged to develop emotional awareness, nurture relationships and take responsibility for the wellbeing of others, while boys have been more strongly associated with assertiveness and practical problem-solving. These expectations are not universal, and they are changing, but their influence can still be seen in the way emotional responsibilities are distributed within families, friendships and workplaces.
When boys grow up believing that expressing vulnerability is something they should avoid, and girls grow up learning that caring for other people's emotions is part of their responsibility, we risk creating relationships in which emotional support becomes unevenly shared. Women may find themselves expected to notice when something is wrong, initiate difficult conversations and help partners process feelings that those partners have never been encouraged to understand independently.
This is not an argument against women supporting the men in their lives. Caring relationships involve mutual understanding and reassurance, and there is enormous value in being able to turn to somebody we trust when life becomes difficult. But genuine equality requires that emotional responsibility is shared, rather than automatically becoming part of the work women are expected to perform.
Encouraging boys to develop emotional confidence is therefore not simply about helping them feel better as individuals. It is also about preparing them to become adults who can communicate openly, respect boundaries, recognise the needs of others and participate fully in the emotional responsibilities of relationships.
There is something particularly encouraging about recognising that these skills can be learned and developed throughout childhood. Emotional awareness is not an ability that belongs naturally to one gender, and boys are just as capable of developing empathy, kindness and meaningful communication when they are given the opportunities and encouragement to do so.
Parents, carers, teachers, coaches and other trusted adults can all contribute to this process, particularly through the everyday examples they provide. A father who talks openly about feeling disappointed, a teacher who responds calmly when a boy becomes upset or a coach who demonstrates that teamwork involves kindness as well as determination can all help challenge the assumption that masculinity must be defined by emotional control.
These examples don't require adults to have perfect emotional awareness themselves. In fact, there can be something valuable about children seeing adults acknowledge when they have handled a situation poorly and make an effort to repair it. Apologising, listening and recognising the impact of our behaviour are important skills, and boys benefit from understanding that these qualities are compatible with confidence and strength.
There is also an opportunity to think more carefully about the language we use when encouraging children. Rather than suggesting that bravery means not being frightened, we can help children recognise that courage often involves doing something difficult while acknowledging that fear exists. Rather than telling a boy that he shouldn't cry, we can reassure him that emotions are normal while helping him understand how to respond to them. And rather than praising boys only for being tough or independent, we can celebrate their kindness, creativity, cooperation and willingness to ask thoughtful questions.
These changes may seem small, but they can gradually broaden the qualities that boys learn to associate with masculinity, allowing them to develop a more flexible understanding of who they are and what they are capable of becoming.
Schools and youth organisations also have an important role in shaping these expectations, particularly because children spend so much of their time learning how to navigate relationships outside their families. When emotional education is treated as something relevant to everybody, rather than a subject primarily associated with girls, boys have greater opportunities to develop the language and confidence needed to understand their experiences.
This can also help challenge the influence of online content that presents narrow or harmful ideas about masculinity, particularly when young people are encouraged to think critically about the messages they encounter. Rather than simply telling boys which attitudes are unacceptable, there is value in helping them understand why certain expectations can be limiting and encouraging them to recognise positive examples of masculinity in the people around them.
At Powered by Diversity, we believe that meaningful conversations about inclusion often begin by questioning the assumptions we have learned to accept as normal. Through our work exploring gender equality, mental wellbeing and the experiences that shape people's lives, we encourage individuals and organisations to consider how expectations can influence behaviour, relationships and opportunities.
This is particularly important when discussing boys and young men, because challenging restrictive ideas about masculinity should never be confused with criticising boys for being boys. The aim is not to suggest that confidence, determination, independence and courage can be wonderful qualities, just as empathy, tenderness and emotional openness can be. The opportunity lies in ensuring that boys feel free to develop all of those qualities without believing that some are incompatible with their gender.
There is also something hopeful about the role that men can play in changing these expectations, particularly when fathers, teachers, coaches and other male role models demonstrate that emotional awareness is part of healthy adulthood. Boys benefit from seeing men who are comfortable showing affection, acknowledging uncertainty and treating others with respect, because those examples help make different expressions of masculinity feel both familiar and achievable.
And while women have often played a significant role in encouraging emotional openness within families and communities, the responsibility for changing masculine expectations should not rest primarily with them. Men have an important opportunity to challenge the messages they received themselves and to help create environments where younger generations feel less restricted by those same assumptions.
As we continue our week exploring men's mental health, it's worth remembering that the expectations people carry into adulthood are often shaped long before they have the language or confidence to question them. A man who finds it difficult to discuss his emotions may be navigating beliefs that have developed over many years, particularly if he has repeatedly learned that vulnerability is something to avoid. Understanding that history can help us approach these conversations with compassion, while still recognising that adults have a responsibility to reflect on their behaviour and develop healthier ways of relating to others.
Boys should be able to develop resilience without being taught to hide distress, build confidence without needing to dominate others and form close relationships without feeling embarrassed about needing connection. When we create those opportunities, we are helping to build a society where emotional responsibility is more equally shared, relationships are healthier and people have greater freedom to express themselves without being limited by traditional gender roles.
If we want to raise a generation of men who feel confident expressing vulnerability, showing kindness and asking for help they need to be taught and shown that those qualities are not something they should be ashamed of in the first place.
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