July 3: "Man Up" The Cost of Telling Boys How to Not Feel
"Man Up" The Cost of Telling Boys How to Not Feel
When we think about the pressures children face, we often picture exams, friendships or social media but many boys are also carrying the pressure to be "strong."
From a young age, boys are often given subtle messages about what it means to be masculine. They hear phrases like "Stop crying" or "Man up". They watch films where heroes rarely talk about their feelings. They may see online influencers celebrating dominance, confidence and emotional control. They notice which boys are praised and which are teased.
No one lesson shapes them on its own, it's the repetition that impacts. Little by little, many boys begin to believe that showing emotion is something to avoid.
Strength Doesn't Mean Silence
Resilience is an important quality for every child; helping children cope with disappointment, solve problems and face challenges prepares them for life. But resilience is not the same as emotional suppression. When boys grow up believing they must hide sadness, fear or vulnerability, those feelings don't disappear they find another way out.
Sometimes that looks like frustration, withdrawing from the people around them, taking risks, acting out or becoming angry because those emotions feel more socially acceptable than saying, "I'm struggling."
The Messages They Receive
Today's boys are growing up in a world full of conflicting ideas about masculinity.
Be kind but not weak, confident but not arrogant, not "too emotional", strong and never vulnerable.
Alongside these messages, social media has created new spaces where some influencers promote rigid ideas about what it means to "be a real man." For a teenager who is still working out who they are these messages can feel convincing. If confidence is presented as never asking for help, and strength is measured by dominance rather than kindness, many boys begin to feel they have to perform a version of masculinity instead of being themselves.
What Happens When Boys Can't Talk?
One of the greatest protective factors for any child's mental health is having trusted adults they can speak to openly, yet many boys reach adolescence having learned that talking about difficult emotions is uncomfortable, embarrassing and something to avoid.
Parents sometimes notice this shift gradually, a talkative child becomes quieter, answers become shorter. Sometimes they genuinely don't know how to explain what they're feeling because they take less opportunities to practise expressing them.
Redefining What Strength Looks Like
As parents, we have an incredible opportunity to expand our children's understanding of strength.
Strength is apologising after making a mistake, it’s asking for help, standing up for someone being treated unfairly, crying because you’re sad, admitting you're finding something difficult.
When boys see adults modelling these behaviours, they learn that courage isn't the absence of emotion it's having the confidence to express it.
The Men We Hope They'll Become
The boys growing up today will become the fathers, partners, friends, colleagues and (hopefully 50% of the) leaders of tomorrow.
When we make space for boys to talk, to feel, to ask questions and to show vulnerability without judgement, we're supporting their mental health and we're raising men who understand empathy, allow strength to exist beside kindness and feel secure enough to be themselves.
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